To describe the experience is like to remembering a dream. I cannot quite recall the entire event, or know what happened in which order. Nor am I able to describe in mere words the feelings I...I felt. But try I will, for you need to know.
At the beginning of the procedure everything seems a little...distant. A bit non-happening. Then suddenly, the sensation of intense begins to crawl all over the body and soul, surrounding the entire being, like being overwhelmed by fear and cold at the exact same instant. The hands still have feeling, albeit concentrated in tingly cold sweaty fingertips...an ugly self. The rest of my body is shaking furiously, out of control. Aye...an ugly self.
An unknown sense of my mind warns of something about to happen. I never knew I could think like that, it was very strange. The attention drifted from my faltering body to the growing unease of my brain. And that is when the dismemberment happened.
...yes...that being the separation of mind and body. My mind, as well as I know it (or knew it), is not accustomed to this. Now I am surreal, for all I feel is a quiet disquiet...a still unease which is almost comfortable. What I was experiencing is perhaps best described as when the mind is soaring with absolute terror, but the body is supressing this, numbing it...so the terror absolute does not surface.
Paradox, you say? Where be my body when I am separated for it to help? My mind adapts...makes me a new body, a virtual one, one to act as a shield to my untrained mental terror...like the post-amputee and his phantom limb. I created a numbing device in place of a real physical sense. Reducing the emotion of horror to stable, tho' unbeaten it remains and thus becomes a quiet disquiet. My amazing mind understood that all feeling is one.
Understanding is not the same as readiness, however. The dismemberment I can handle, sinking into the green lake I cannot. My mind was not so amazing anymore. The fear returned: the full-blown ready to explode kind. And explode it did, creating a new breed of emotion I have no name for. Something was coming.
Something as in some ones...I deduced these were intruderous betraying ego-maniacs of the worst kind (in my normal waking life, a hated known person of mine). They were minds, like mine, floating in the lake, and they were coming at me to meld. I was fresh, and wanted, and they were rushing towards me...to meld their stronger and more horrible emotions with mine...I was helpless. I couldn't conjure any mind tricks, for I was in the lake now...in the lake you had to surrender to the meld. I knew this, but now I didn't want to anymore.
And...boom.
Boom...we melded. The most powerful adrenaline rush no mortal has ever imagined. Knowledge, understanding of the beyond, or the reality, or whatever earthly term we use...whatever it is...it is absolute meaning. I wasn't I...they weren't they...we were one. It was...it was...indescribeable.
Feeling is inconsequential, sense is all. There is no time, no matter...only awareness.
Then it began to fall apart, we, still as one, began to sense confusion...uncertainty. Who planted those intrusive treacherous ego vibes? Unease has no place with us, but why do we feel it? What is fear doing here when it should have been banished?
The meld becomes chaos, blame starts to occur, individual awareness returns...I am I again..and I am the primitive one, bringing primitive negative unwanted emotions to the lake. Get out, get off, go away!
Babblings, screamings, feelings like a swarm of hands all over me, trying to push me away...but I am stronger than we think...and I inadvertantly keep forcing my way back into the meld...thirsty for its power.
This is not good for the lake. Something happens. A fantastic, an ernormous, an unfeasibly powerful presence...a single presence, a one of many, a meld of giants...something is coming.
I whimper, or rather I feel the sensation of submissive whimpering, as do the other presences about with whom I melded...chaos is immediately silenced. An installation of a formidable quiet disquiet is erected, a wall of protection, but also of admonission. Then I sense I am being targeted...I am about to receive something...
My head explodes.
..."...too much...not enough...too much...not enough..." is all I keep from the explosion my mind was subjected to. An acid blast saving me from the lake, protecting the lake's harmony...and returning my scattered mind back to my body. I awoke by the lake, awoke as a newborn awakes for the very first time. Physical did not abandon me after all, but it took weeks before I could co-ordinate my movements, walk and talk normally, before I could think properly again.
I resolved to allow myself the luxury to sleep and dream...but no more. No going back. I dream with gratitude...and with longing, yes.
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