How to make tea

Category: Religion and Philosophy

1) Procure circa 250ml high-ball shaped tea mug (ceramic/porcelain are fine) and boil kettle (kettle has effective limescale filter and abt 300ml water is fresh from tap - the remaining 50ml is thrown).

2) Place one Yorkshire Tea Bag in mug.

3) Add a half teaspoon of muscovado.

4) Add just enough milk (fresh, non-homogenised with 3%-4% natural fat) to give the finished article that dark golden brown look (one simply knows how much to put in...and the risk of under/overweight simply adds to the excitement).

5) With your (long steel) teaspoon vigorously stir the muscovado in with the milk and the teabag flat face down at the base. After abt 20 seconds one will have a thick, sweet brown liquid and a very soggy teabag.

(One tends to time the above steps to perfection as the kettle is now boiling).

6) In classic cocktail style pour the boiling water at an easy pace whilst hoisting the kettle in slow motions up and down thither into the mug (say from 5cm to 20cm vertical distance from kettle spout to mug rim). The teabag will become bloated, like a balloon, and float to the top. Froth will form. This is good.

7) Now squeeze...gently yet firmly, like pressing a loved one. Eke out the tea's very essence through the pressure (front- or back-side of teaspoon is a matter of personal preference). A richly-seductive aroma shoots up into the air, a sound of squeezing and extraction so perfect as to make you take a deep breath each time, lovely visual effects of frothy bubbles and darkest streams of brown invading the creamy white appearance of the liquid...aaah, for we are almost there.

8) Using the the spoon take the bag abt 80% out of the mug and clasp the edge of the bag with the fingers. The bag should be abt 20% immersed.

9) Now stir the newly-formed tea liquid in a fast, rhythmic, anti-clockwise action for abt 10 seconds. During this stir the bag is to be hoisted in and out of the liquid (which resumes the hard hot splashing of liquid onto the bag...further releasing flavour).

10) Release the bag from grip and wonder at the beauty of the still hypnotically spinning tea now carrying the bag with it...like a doomed ocean liner in the Bermuda Triangle caught on fast-forward video. The bag must still sink however and will not do so as it has re-ballooned due to the afore-action. Squeeze it, baby, one more time.

11) Take a minute or two to contemplate what has just occurred and then please do consummate...

...that means drink it.