"For great blowjobs, phone 07810 216462"

"For great blowjobs, phone 07810 216462"

It's just staring at me (no, I'm staring at it) - I only just manage to control mysterious urges to phone such toilet graffiti challenges. I might want to check the validity of the claims. I might want to prank some darkly sad case. Whatever it is, I have curiosity that needs satisfying...at least I think it's curiosity.

"For great blowjobs, phone 07810 216462"

I'm still shitting, absent-mindedly pulling my foreskin hither and thither...no, I'm not getting aroused - my hands are bored while I contemplate blowjobs.

"For great blowjobs, phone 07810 216462"

What if a Jolie-lipped, Piper-toothed lovely slipped into this greasy abode for gentrified wasting and invited all & sundry to give random head a chance? Maybe the criteria for the successful applicant would be how nice you sound on the blower (sorry). My CV shows about a years' worth of contact centre experience so I feel quietly confident.
My Dick's getting bigger...

"For great blowjobs, phone 07810 216462"

What if it's a sweaty, middle-aged bloke with rusty bristles instead of where his facial skin should be?
My dick's got smaller...

I save the number in my phone: 'Blow' (well, what else? You know any Blows?). My belly smaller, my arse wiped and hands washed, I leave the pit and venture into fresh air..."ooops" say I as I pull up my forgotton trousers.
I feel a rumbling near my groin...

My vibrating mobile in my hand I check the ID of the caller:

'Blow'
?!
This is weird.
3 rings, 4 rings, 5 rings,
It's still weird, I should decide now.
"Hello?"
"Hey you, I'm Angelina - I got your number, baby - you want some business?"
This is weird.
"Er...you got my number? I have your number! Business? Oh...you mean...like...business."
"Yes, cutie!" (Ha! She knows I'm cute-) "I can come to you or you can come in me if you prefer."
"Wow...um...where are you?"
"Near Victoria, lover...anything you want."
"That's great - can I call you back? I need to quickly sort out summing."
"Don't keep me waiting, honey - you taste of honey, sweet thing?"
"I don't know...ah...I'll speak to you inabit - bye."
"Purrr..."


Well, on reflection it probably wasn't that weird but still fair game to be branded massively coincidental. A small chunk of life ago, whilst pissed, I vaguely remember writing something like "For great reaction to blowjobs, phone 07709 159754" in the BugBar unisex. It seems the horny and wet sounding Angelina (canya believe the name? Banker she's got big lips) saw my number and thought business. P'raps her pimp saw my number...nah...that's unlikely - and madams like Angelina are normally content with phone box adverts, street positioning and massage disguises.

I start thinking about Angelina, as a naive yet independent attractive young woman, starting out in the business, with me as her cherry-popping customer...no, wait - I meant I'd be popping her cherry, her business cherry...ah, fuck it.

I check I remembered to pull up my trousers.

So then, to increase her, what those poor sods in retail call, foot traffic, she's also plastered her name in gents', possibly tubes too (yes, the tube is the trendy new mating environ). This is blatantly the explanation for 'Blow' on my mobe...

'blow on my mobe'...I like the sound of that.

Music Review: Radiohead - In Rainbows

Perfect!

Radiohead have finally made a perfect album: an album so lush you can listen with full enjoyment from start to finish and housing a wondrously effective marriage of two-part song structures, effects, electronics, guitar-work, percussion and Thom Yorke's best vocal performance. It is also Radiohead's happiest album since Pablo Honey.

Radiohead are probably my second favourite band after Pink Floyd and In Rainbows is already one of my favourite albums ever! Here a song-by-song review with mood - pace - colour - rating out of ten:

15 Steps - groovy - middle-fast - dark blues - 10

It takes you a few listens until you start to appreciate the percussive rhythms going on here, and the excited vocals carry the song well. This opener is upbeat, groovy and so damn danceable.

Bodysnatchers - rock out! - fast - deep reds - 10

Rock on! Radiohead sock it to us like they know we want them to. Very dancy and full of swing throughout and has one of the albums' best moments around the 2:30 mark when the drums and cymbals crashes go all out to complement Thom's infectious singing.

Nude - sweet - ballad - silvers and blues - 9

The ooohs & wooohs here do flirt with being a bit over-the-top but the strength of the song overall wins you over. Lovely reverb on the vocals and roomy, atmospheric strings and effects. But Pyramid song and Exit Music did the Radiohead ballad better still.

Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - defeatist - middle-fast - reds and oranges - 10

My favourite from the album. Very much a song of two parts, the longer first part is a building number with full-sounding instrumentation and anguished vocals. After the weird fishes declaration comes a pounding, trippy and very dancy denoument (similar to the 'I'm gonna eat you alive' refrain in Hail To The Thief's Where I End And You Begin). This song would also sound excellent as an instrumental (as would the entire album).

All I Need - nonchalant then epic - middle - shiny blue metal - 8

Initially this song seems boring, but then it ends with an epic call to 'it' being 'alright' after all. After a few more listens you start to unravel the gorgeous music at work here, this sounds like the third and definitive version of Morning Bell. Brilliant use of effects to create atmosphere.

Faust Arp - cuddly - slow-middle - oranges and wood - 7

Another one that I wasn't too keen on at first, but the vocal play at work here is charming. No percussion, electronics or effects...this number has acoustic guitar work and strings.

Reckoner - affirming - middle - transparent - 8

Excellent percussion, this song has loads of space thanks to clever compression and reverb. Heavenly vocal arrangements.

House Of Cards - loving - slow - ruby reds and royal blues - 10

An incredibly affecting vocal performance from Thom here, complemented by easy percussion, nice guitar licks and atmospheric synth work. I love singing along to this song, the cry of Denial is one of Radiohead's most emotional moments...lump in throat time.

Jigsaw falling into place - tasty - middle-fast - oranges and reds - 8

Upbeat and slightly seedy, this song rocks out like Bodysnatchers (tho' not as bouncy).

Videotape - quirky sadness - slow - blues and greys - 8

An initially piano-led ballad which doesn't really infect you until the odd-but-interesting percusion starts up, smothered in communal vocal ooohs and breathings. The best drumming on the album from 3:20 onwards.

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So a very good selection of songs, 4 of which rank among Radiohead's all-time best. So why is In Rainbows their best album? Its strength compared to the other albums lies in its length (appealingly short), track order (a perfect journey), production (tight yet roomy), Thom's vocals (restrained and soulful) and the lack of a weak song that tempts you to skip (see Climbing Up The Walls, Motion Picture, Morning Bell Amnesiac, I Will & Wolf At The Door).

But we all know that music is a journey of personal taste so here's a list of my favourite Radiohead album songs just so anyone reading can better understand my angle:

- Street Spirit

- Paranoid Android - Exit Music - Lucky

- Everything In Its Right Place (especially the live jam versions) - The National Anthem - How To Disappear Completely

- Pyramid Song - You And Whose Army - Dollars And Cents - Like Spinning Plates

- Backdrifts - Where I End And You Begin - There There

- 15 Steps - Bodysnatchers - Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - House Of Cards

Thank you Radiohead! And here's to a very experimental next album, full of 15-minute epics and long instrumental sections...

Music Review: Gong - Camembert Electrique

My introduction to Gong was this album. I'll always remember the first time my ears pricked: it was about 10 years ago and me and a friend were playing Worms on the Playstation when he put on a tape for the background...it was the switch that You Can't Kill Me makes after a couple of minutes with I'll be seeing you again...the groove and tune changes and rocks out like a mad one...I asked my friend: Who the fook is that?.

Then came I've bin stoned before...haha! We were very stoned at the time! And after the furious Dynamite and tender anthem Tried So Hard I was a confirmed fan and demanded to hear the album again.

My Gongness reached its peak when I saw them (Daevid, Gilly and all) live supporting The Orb at the Royal Festival Hall in London in, I think, 2002. After the gig (which was superb) my Planet Gongness slowed down and I pursued other music.

Camembert does not have the longevity of favourite albums of mine from other bands. It now sounds mostly weak, dated and silly but still retains strong emotional value. I do find Flying Teapot the more interesting Gong album from a prog point of view.

From Camembert Electique, Dynamite remains a song I still go crazy too...proper nuts that one, and very very good too.

Music Review: The Doors - L.A. Woman

My favourite Doors album, raw and bluesy.

I find parallels between this album and Nirvana's In Utero: all-conquering American rock bands with iconic front man making a last album which hints at progressive tendencies, yet tastes raw and is generally identified by the more musically-minded fans as being the best album...whatever it is about already-successful bands making such albums, there are dark processes at work which cause very real consequences, for Jim Morrison, for Kurt Cobain (see also Richey James and the Manic Street Preachers only great work: The Holy Bible).

But on to the music with a rating out of ten for each song:

Changeling - 8

I'm a Changeling...see me change! Nice, dancy number to start off the album, tight interplay between the band members.

Love Her Madly - 6

A bit poppy and uninteresting for me, a filler which might sound better on a packed sunny beach.

Been Down So Long - 10

CLASSIC! Rock your balls off to this one! A real swinging blues sing-a-longa treat.

Cars Hiss By My Window - 9

White boys can play the blues! This is what I hoped the Hooker n Heat album would sound like (it's rubbish). Cars Hiss has a perfectly laid-back Jim over an organic groove. At 3:30, a goddamn-yeah-baby-vocal mini-solo from our Jim...Right On!

L.A. Woman - 10

MISTER MOJO RISING! The Doors' greatest song...nuff said.

L'America - 9

This song is almost perfect: a dark, hectic, progressive trip into otherland (L'America). It's a slight pity that there is a mood-miscalculation with an out-of-place one-off chorus you know the rain is coming to town. Great finish tho'. This song ends the 4-song run of amazing music and the album trails off until Riders saves it.

Hyacinth House - 6

Boring, mid-paced number. The end-section is interesting tho'.

Crawling King Snake - 5

Boring, mid-paced bluesish number, no interesting section to redeem it.

WASP (Texas Radio And The Big Beat) - 6

Some nice grooves, but pretty bland and slightly annoying vocals and song structure.

Riders On The Storm - 8

Riders isn't really that interesting, but it has such an appealing, evocative atmosphere that it simply works. Cool music for the background rather than music to really get into.

---

So, as with all Doors albums, some excellent, some good and some pretty bland songs but because of the 4 songs in the middle this qualifies as my personal favourite Doors, a tiny Mojo in front of the debut album.

Music Review: Led Zeppelin III

The only Zep album I still listen to from this Behemoth of a rock band. It features 4 of Zep's strongest ever songs and overall has an earthy vibe to it which is cold, yet appeals in an intellectual kind-of-way.

My long-term music tastes are normally of a tribal kind, and of long instrumental jams or of detached sonic experimentation. Led Zep's anthems of Stairway, Ramble On, Dazed & Confused, Kashmir, Whole Lotta Love etc were great when I discovered them at around age 17 back in 1996...but as my tastes looked to progress these anthems became boring.

Led Zep III's strength lies in the apparent inaccessibility of its songs...they last. Below a song-by-song with marks out of ten:

Immigrant Song - 7

A nice dancy groove and juicy drumming with dramatic cries of ah-aaaahs - this song is not really anything special but it does serve as an opener.

Friends - 8

Catches the ear with ominous strings complementing dramatic verse delivery from Plant.

Celebration Day - 5

This song is out-of-place. It feels like it would prefer to be in Led Zep II rather than here. Still, it's an ok and straight rocker, but I skip this one...bland.

Since I've Been Loving You - 9

An anthem that doesn't get annoying! It has a fragmented, epic blues feel and an emotionally soaring delivery from Plant.

Out on the Tiles - 5

A rather non-event song this one, mid-paced. One of those songs that I have to play to actually remember what it sounds like.

Gallows Pole - 9

Yeah! Masterful build-up to when the fat snare drum kicks in. A real party this one.

Tangerine - 6

Shades of Led Zep IV here, Tangerine sounds like it could develop into an epic ballad but instead comes up with a weak chorus, then fails to go anywhere else.

That's the Way - 7

Quite nice to sing-a-long too this one.

Bron-Y-Aur Stomp - 9

Tss- tomp! Tss- tomp! Tss- tomp! Tss- tomp!

Hats Off to (Roy) Harper - 9

Dark twisted blues of the kind I wish there was more of from Led Zeppelin.

---

So an album of 4 great songs which are still great more than a decade after first discovery, plus a couple of good ones and a couple of weak ones.

Music Review: Harmonia - Musik Von Harmonia

I had my eureka moment with it on headphones in the dark and marvelled at the depth of sounds and at how sci-fi it came across. Compared to a lot of soundscapes from this last decade Musik von Harmonia sounds organic and fresh, yet oozes futurism.

Here a track-by-track:

Watussi - 6

An interesting beginning: mid-paced hypnotic bleepy synth loops over a nonchalant beat. After repeated listens however it doesn't reveal too much more depth.

Sehr kosmisch - 10

Wow, the stand-out track. The sense of space is immense: there is much epic action in the galaxy and you are floating through it on a stream of consciousness. That might sound passé or cliched but it's what I feel when this plays.

Sonnenschein - 8

This sounds like a livelier Watussi. After almost a minute the trance kicks in with militant beats and infectious synth licks. Sonnenschein has shades of psychedelic techno about it.

Dino - 9

So positive somehow this one. An upbeat pace with some gorgeous guitar. Dino doesn't have much depth but it has a lot of good feeling.

Ohrwurm - 5

I still don't get this one. A dark and slow rhythmless amble into a place too far out for me to see. All I know is if that's what a worm sounds like when its in your ear then I don't want one in my ear.

Ahoi! - 9

And Ahoi there! this track seems to shout towards its end when we get an extra octave of harmonics to complement the looping hypnotisms and changing delays crescending for us after the soft and warm ambient introduction of hopeful synth pads.

Veterano - 7

More emphasis on techno rhythms here. It runs along nicely without ever threatening to trip over and out. I think it would have worked better with just the beats and some low-octave sounds, losing the high notes which lend Veterano a wishy-washy feel it doesn't really need to have.

Hausmusik - 5

Very different to the 7 pieces that went before. It has some percussive goings-on and a long lead line on wah-wah which are interesting but the Jeff Mills-esque synth-koto play is, like the note-play on the song before it, more off-putting than hypnotic.

---

So in conclusion I can heartily recommend this album for lovers of tripped-out journeys. An education in techno and trance-dance might help first. Being older and more boring than I used to be I have only listened to this with a straight head but I can happily wager that Musik von Harmonia has much meat in it for those post-rave 'let's chill at mine' moments.

Music Review: Can - Tago Mago

This album is a brilliant example of fun, groovy and experimental rock music. It stems from the early 70's: a period of music Europe-wide that brought so much exciting sonic adventure. Tago Mago offers infectious and likeable vocal work with drum beats that inspired the modern electronic breakbeat and drum n bass scenes (Mushroom & Oh Yeah especially). The guitar play overall is not so strong but it complements well enough. Production values are pretty good, some excellent use of panning and reverb to create big spaces, but there is a bit too much treble. Sound effects are used illiberally to good effect.

Here a track-by-track:

Paperhouse - 5

The opener is actually quite lifeless, it features too much tinny guitar play and is never allowed to get into a groove. The structure of this 7-minute piece is promising but the execution is not diverting. Paperhouse is the kind of song you don't remember how it sounds like even after listening to it a dozen times.

Mushroom - 8

This is good, funky stuff. The vocal work laconically delivers nonsense while subtle guitar licks increase the infectiousness of the music. The drumming reminds of modern electro funk beats.

Oh Yeah - 9

Oh yeah! This is a real-earpricker. A groover that makes you move featuring determined drumming, reversed and then (presumably) japanese vocals, excited guitar picking and driving bass. You dance and swing to this one: Oh Yeah stands out as an immediate classic of 'rock music that inspires booty-shaking' (or arse-wiggling if you prefer).

Halleluwah - 7

A chunky and funky drum drives this number for a good 18 minutes. It won't hold your attention for that long tho', as some of the complementary action from vocals, guitars, pianos, violins and the odd effect aren't always that interesting. This piece would sound good in a bar, where dancing with a drink in your hand is the order. Halleluwah does end very well: rock-out percussionism then finally some memorable cries from Damo the singer.

Aumgn - 8

This is great! Horror-style abstractism with the medium of sound. Lights off, headphones on and trip away darkly (imagine a weird torture scene).

Peking - 8

The beginning isn't that great, but before you press skip wait until the hawaiian groove after two-and-a-half minutes sets in. Warm, mumbling and attractively-insane vocals wash over the sunshine. After 5 minutes it all goes strange, but the percussion work is (again) brilliant as is the communication between singer and instrumentation. Peking ends sounding like an extension to Aumgn.

Bring Me Coffee Or Tea - 6

Sounds quite nice, the sounds are warm but the piece overall lacks something interesting. It reminds of later Sonic Youth.

---

I only discovered Can and Tago Mago a year ago, but it's been a quite regular companion. I hear from long-time Can fans that this albums' appeal never tires, so that's promising. I really like it, I would prefer a more bass-heavy production (possible with a re-mastering). I would also like the guitar licks to be a bit more adventurerous and full (no longer possible). But other than that Tago Mago is an exciting piece of music to listen to and will appeal to fans of early Floyd and Gong as well as music-lovers looking for something that is groovy, funny, abstract and is soaked in the colour of yellow dipped in orange.

Music Review: Pink Floyd - The Wall

One-of-a-kind...emotional...beautiful...involving...the greatest album of music ever made.

I've been listening to The Wall since I first had a copied tape in 1994 at age 16, shortly after I first discovered the Floyd with CD's of everyone's first two Floyd albums: Dark Side and Wish You Were Here.

Wow...I realise most how powerful The Wall is when I've had a long break from it (say a year or more). It's impossible to do a song-by-song analysis, or a review of disc 1's merits over disc 2...The Wall is an 80-minute whole, a journey so perfectly executed that it transcends music and becomes something we can't even describe in words...only in goosepimpled skin, lumps in throat, nonsense rage, maniacal laughter and intense feelings of concentration.

I sing along to every bit of it with all my might...I feel the story...I am the story...at the end I am drained, the wall is down and after a few moments of calming down, of reflection...I resume the reality of my own existence.

Mad bugger indeed.

Music Review: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

Three-fifths of Wish You Were Here has that perfect future music feel to it which every space-rock lover is permanently searching for.

Here a track-by-track:

Shine On (part one) - 9

Has the most amazing beginning of an album I've ever heard: we all know how it goes...if you don't then you should.

Welcome To The Machine - 8

This would be a 10 if it was instrumental! The synth-play is simply amazing and it seeps into the next song perfectly. The singing spoils it in that it reminds you the music is made by humans and not by some artificial life 2000 years from now.

Have A Cigar - 6

After over a decade I still haven't warmed to this song...it just seems so out of place and doesn't have the warmth and likeability of the title track. There's little doubt the guitar work and Roy Harper's singing are spot-on but it feels like a better-produced Obscured By Clouds number.

Wish You Were Here - 9

Tragically, I recently heard The Beatless Sense Mongers cover this and have struggled to take the original as seriously as I used to. Which is why Comfortably Numb will always be a 10-score as resistent as it is to any form of piss-taking and why the title track is only a 9...but it still is one of Pink Floyd's most lovely moments.

Shine On (part two) - 11!

THIS-IS-JUST-UNSPEAKABLY-BRILLIANT!! This with Atom Heart (the suite) and The Trial are my all-time favourite Floyd moments. Okay Money and Great Gig too...and Interstellar Overdrive...and (more).

It's enough to say that Shine On Part Two is dancy, tripped-out spacefunk with Gilmour's greatest solo and inhuman efforts from everyone else.

---

Although Have A Cigar is average, and Welcome has some iffy vocals, this is clearly a 5-star album because it features simply some of the best music you'll ever hear.

Music Review: Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon

One of the most famous albums of all time, and my first Floyd. Dark Side earns its 5-stars because of the beautiful and seamless way the songs ajoin one another. But if we rate the songs individually, they are not all masterpieces:

Speak To Me/Breathe - 7

A fascinating beginning: atmospheric heart-beat drives a valley of different sounds, voices and samples before crescending into the beginning of a song. Breathe isn't that amazing as a song on its own but as an opener, it is perfectly judged.

On The Run - 9

I remember very well the first time I heard this, my ears were agog: I knew as I sinked into that hi-hat sound, that speeded-up arpeggiated synth loop, the running man, the announcer, the aaaahs, the filter sweeps....I knew this signified a defining moment for me and my love of music...confirmed by a later obsession with lock techno and darkpsy music.

Time - 7

A brilliant first couple of minutes: the shock of the alarm clocks still make me jump even after 13 years of knowing they are imminent. We also have a well-played conga drum playing over tidy red rhythms before Time starts proper. And when it does start proper, it reveals itself to be quite the chugger: I don't get too excited by it and for me it lacks those moments where music is so powerful it controls you.

The Great Gig In The Sky - 10

Now this one has those moments! In fact, the entire 5 minutes is a moment of complete surrender to the music: iconic piano plays with the most spectacular oral orgasm anyone has ever heard.

Money - 10

And another! Pink Floyd's danciest song, again with an iconic beginning: this time with cash till register sounds looped into a funky rhythm...but Money just gets better & better, culminating into an all-out party...wonderful.

Us & Them - 7

After the absolute cream of what went before, the album tails off a mite. Us & Them is full of aural dramatics but the backing vocals and sax play used appear textbook, rather than magic. The song is simply a little boring.

Any Colour You Like - 9

This is the Pink Floyd Sound I wish there was more of: futuristic and funky space jams with gorgeously fat keyboarding and complementing guitar. This piece is too short but is packed with all the colours of the rainbow.

Brain Damage - 7

The maniacal laugh from the opener returns...Brain Damage is short and infectious but doesn't really ever let you get into it.

Eclipse - 6

Another very short song...and the album ends. This is possibly the weakest song here: like Us & Them, it seems to pull musical feeling out of a textbook.

---

Dark Side Of The Moon ends fairly unspectacularly (although it thinks it it ends perfectly). Time with Us & Them can wear a little. But as a whole the expererience of this album is incomparable. It must also be up there as one of the best-produced albums of all time.

Pink Floyd are my favourite band, and Dark Side rates in at number 4 in my top albums from them.

Music Review: Pink Floyd - Atom Heart Mother

Featuring Pink Floyd's, and thus music's, greatest moment. Here a song-by-song with marks out of ten:

Atom Heart Mother suite - (rating is off the scale)

I struggle to describe why I love this. Like On The Run: the first time I heard the Atom Heart Mother suite I knew my development in musical love had significantly changed. There are many reasons that make this piece perfect:

- the low humming build-up - the signature line - the violin line - the vocals, my God the vocals - the introduction of the guitar solo - that first POING! is life affirming - the abstract middle section - the finale! My God the finale!

If - 7

Pink Floyd, wary of causing the very fabric of reality to conflict with itself, lower expectations and pace with this easy number. A soft ballad with nice vocals and guitar work...but it doesn't deliver goose pimples.

Summer of '68 - 9

Sung by Wright (who sounds like Gilmour), this is narrowly the best piece of the trio of songs in the middle of Atom Heart the album. Mid-paced summery rhythms remind of Beach Boys or Beatles. The song also has a big brass section which gives it an edge.

Fat Old Sun - 8

Gilmour sings it like he sings Green Is The Colour: ie - he sings it falsetto and very well. This is a lovely song, but it's not quite magic. The 14-minute BBC sessions version however, is quite magic (info: John Peel 1970 session).

Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast - 8

It took me a few years until I started enjoying this piece. It is a harmless and good-natured jam with themes of what one has for breakfast (like jam). The contents of the music are as funny as the song's title.

So, Atom Heart Mother is clearly a masterpiece of progressive rock music and, for me, has a much weightier epic song than its successor Echoes (from the Meddle album).

Music Review: Pink Floyd - Ummagumma

10 years after discovering my favourite musicians I finally complete my collection 3 years ago with Ummagumma...and the Floyd wowed me once more. It is their most unusual album, and easily the most inaccessible. The whole of it reminds of old horror films, rendering Ummagumma also Pink Floyd's darkest album. Here a suite-by-suite with marks out of ten:

The Wright suite (Sysyphus) - 7

Its best moments are the quiet phases of part 4 and the Floyd take on capoeira (part 3): dark, organic matter squelching through the plains of Mordor. The piano piece (part 2) starts well but gets a little on the self-indulgent side. The slightly cringe-inducing moments are those big pads of impending doom found in part 1 and at the end of part 4. Overall, Sysyphus is a very interesting listen.

The Waters suite - 8

Grantchester Meadows is a likeable folk song, about English meadows and its nature. The suite then shows us the albums' most eccentric moment: Furry Animals cannot be described, it has to be heard. I like it, but it is very strange. What I don't like is the tail-end of it which features an over-the-top Scottish brogue lamenting.

The Gilmour suite (Narrow Way) - 8

This works the best as a suite, the 3 separate pieces melt into each other to form one whole. We have a nice and uplifting acoustic instrumental guitar-led piece followed by a lesson in the black arts: the second instrumental piece is a slow trudging riff surrounded by effects...it is actually pretty good. The suite closes with the anthem of the album: a rocker with a darkly infectious signature, in-keeping with the avant-garde macabreness of Ummagumma.

The Mason suite (Grand Vizier) - 8

My favourite piece of music from the entire album is the first two-thirds of Mason's main piece (part 2): it is so warmingly dreamy. It reminds of doing peyote around a fire searching for your spirit animal. It ends with a Mason drumathon which is pretty good, but no equal of the beautiful moments before it. Mason bookends this main part with two short flute 'n drum pieces, which barely add anything to the album.

The live songs - 7

The performance of Set The Controls is excellent, A Saucerful Of Secrets has a strong end section with Eugene and Astronomy Domine fairly good without adding much to the originals.

---

Ummagumma is no essential masterpiece. But it is heartily-recommended for lovers of the strange. I'd also add that it is the least-typical Floyd album (not including the post-Waters dirges).

Asexuality...what is it?

I'm gonna let the title hang for a while while I gather information and opinions...

Finding gigs to play in Berlin...part 1

This series concerns Onyx Ashanti and his efforts to introduce his unique brand of freejammin' beatjazz to Berlin.

The mission is simple: play gigs asap which have enough reward to enable the player to live on and play more.

We have to-date completed a full 24-hour cycle since Onyx's arrival from New York and this is what has been achieved so far:

- the purchase of a US-DE power adaptor and a bicycle to get around.
- found a typical under-the-bridge techno party and met some friends for drinks...just to taste some Berliner social and thus hand CD's over to interested people.
- a tour of Eberswalderstr/Warschauerstr/Oberbaumbr/Kreuzberg 36 and marking the Berlin map of Oranienburgerstr/Görlitzerpark area/some Fhain/Kreuzberg 61/Kreuzkölln.
- general web networking.

The idea henceforth is for Onyx to visit venues and offer to play.

The next 24 hours should bring news of some contacts made or even possible gig news. Let's see.

on film...non-english

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Das (The) Experiment:

Effective film-making. This film made me cheer out loud as Bleibtreu's character escaped his tiny isolation box-cell and whacked the guard.

Any film that makes me care so much deserves much credit. The acting and individual characterisation inch the film to excellent status.

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Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run):

Good idea...a more fun Sliding Doors. The slickness and coolness of it all distract from the depth it doesn't even pretend to have.

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Oldboy:

This is one of the few films that I have repeat-watched, probably about 5 times now. Invariably with films, you are advised to stop reading these reviews and watch it, lest you come across spoilers you wish you didn't.

The first time I saw Oldboy it was the very end of the film that struck the biggest chord. Oh Dae-Su's decision to forget and (likely) carry on regardless with Mido was probably the films most powerful scene. It made me put myself in his shoes and seriously consider the possibility of making the same decision after the circumstances of those last 15 years...powerful, involving stuff.

The acting and dialogue, the camera work and music, the perfectly-weighted plot development, the brutal yet unusual final showdown with Lee Woo-Jin, a dozen memorable scenes (blink-and-you'll-miss-it: my favourite the slightly concerned yet accepting look on Woo-Jin's face, after he shot his blond henchman, because of the splattered bits of blood on his immaculate collar) are all reasons why Oldboy is not just worth repeat-watching but also deserves to be in 'best film of all time' lists for at least the next decade.

Watch it in Korean with subtitles!

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Passion Of The Christ:

Watch Him suffer!!! He went through all of this for YOU!!! Stop wanking at the back, for Christ's sake...

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Save The Green Planet:

Brutally psychotic and psychologically interesting with quality acting. The daft ending raised a smile but the critic in me wished it stayed in reality, I found myself rooting for Baek Yun-shik's captive character.

Imaginative, funny, dark, extreme...and then silly.

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Sympathy For Mr Vengeance:

This film packs more originality and memorable sceneage into it than a summer full of boringwood blockbusters. It's not a jaw-dropper like Park's Oldboy but is still heartily recommended for film fans rather than movie-watchers.

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Der Untergang (Downfall):

I watched it with fat speakers from an amplifier and wowed at the quality of the audio track. The vocal acting and the bangs at the end were massively atmospheric.

This film is powerful.

I felt deeply moved and just stared through the end credits 'til their end (normally I, and most of us too, stop the film as the end credits start rolling).

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on film...arthouse or european

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Blueberry:

I quite liked the trippy final battle scene. You could put it up there with the top ten most interesting final battles in film (with Bladerunner, Oldboy, There Will Be Blood and others I can't think of just now).

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Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas:

Took the acid, read the book, then watched the film...the scene with the moving casino floor is a classic, as is the "Feed your head!" electric-bath-suicide-mantra.

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Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer:

One of the better book-to-film adaptions.

The ideal way to discover this story is not to know too much about it, read the book first and watch the film shortly thereafter. Spoilers from here-on-in:


The awe generated from the orgiatastic and cannibalistic final scenes are faithfully adapted here. If you felt they were silly in the book then you will find them just as daft in this adaption...I found them inspired and spectacular.

The film is fairly faithful, especially as its source is such an original and "unfilmable" story. I read the book and watched the film in german and found Hoffman's and Whishaw's german voiceovers fairly respectable and close to what I was expecting.

Das Parfum connoisseurs (like me) will scoff at the early death of Madame Gaillard, the short stay in the mountains and the not-quite-as-intentional-and-detached killing of the first girl, as well as Grenouille's little fantasy at the end of the film where he imagines himself in a tender and human embrace with this first victim (readers will know that Grenouille never entertained any want, or empathy, for anyone...making his character the fascinating creation that he is).

Saying that, the film manages to successfully recreate the books' general atmosphere and Grenouille's creepily ephemeral presence on-screen. Many memorable scenes from this adaption include the shocking abandoned baby shot at the beginning and its first sniff and subsequent wail, the hostel kids attempting to smother the babe a bit later on, Hoffman's take on the technique of scent-sniffing via the handkerchief, Richis finding his dead daughter and more besides.


Very, very good film...but could be a bit lost if you watch it without reading the novel first.

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Pi:

A rush...you feel like smoking or drinking something stiff while watching this, which is good.

Nervy, itchy, confusing, hypnotic, interesting, profound, empty, atmospheric, strange, pointed, pointless...

...it's all these things.

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on film...classics

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Bullitt:

Boring! I can't remember a single scene even shortly after sitting through this overlong 'cool' advert for Steve McQueen's shades.

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Citizen Kane:

I always read about how "critically-acclaimed" and "greatest film of all time" this film was supposed to be and then I finally watched it myself.

It is superlative. So very engrossing, interesting and multi-layered, somehow it has barely dated.

Watch this if you appreciate good drama and wish to be educated in cinema.

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Dark Star:

I think I remember the beards most of all. The ending's contrived but the characters are fairly convincing. The story and setting are interesting. Of course it looks and sounds incredibly cheap but is worth a look if you like slow-paced, pondering sci-fi with its tongue piercing its cheek.

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Night Of The Living Dead:

One of the best endings in film. Duane Jones's performance is commanding, making his brutally abrupt end all the more shocking. The rest of the cast are forgettable but the feeling of being trapped in a house surrounded by the flesh-eating undead is perfectly executed.

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Planet Of The Apes:

Rip-roaring dark cinema! Premise, execution, make-up, acting, setting, atmosphere, pacing, ending...all are brilliantly executed.

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on film...Brit

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1984:

A book very very dear to me. The film is brilliant and faithful.

Punkt.

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A Clockwork Orange:

Everything that needs to be said about this film has been said already. My favourite scene is strangely enough the drunk old man's folky singing at the very beginning but this film has masses of brilliant scenes that form a comprehensible whole.

You could almost accuse McDowell of over-acting but he's so engaging that if it is then it is justified.

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Trainspotting:

So many things correct with this film. Begbie's the most believable film psycho since...maybe Psycho.

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on film...non-live

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Simpsons - The Movie:

I laughed once, it was the Homer-pretending-to-have-a-chainsaw-while-fighting-off-the-locals scene...that's it.

The film was entertaining enough but my laughing days are over with this show...I've become Family Guyed and once you've tasted the harder stuff the "gateway" just doesn't quite cut it anymore.

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Transformers: The Movie

Has so much to offer:

- drama
- high death toll on both sides (some shocks too)
- some funny lines (The Universal Greeting)
- settings on other planets
- minimal human involvement (better for it)
- excellent voice acting (Orson Welles and Leonard Nimoy and whoever did Megatron and Starscream were also memorable)

- an imaginative big evil baddie (Unicron the planet-eater)
- real character development in such a short space of time (Megatron/Galvatron and Hot Rod, doing his best Luke-Skywalker-becomes-a-Jedi impression)

- some great, and some cheesy, songs...energetic anyway.
- memorable concepts, of which one is the court setting on planet Junk: "guilty or innocent?" asks the judge. "innocent" is the answer...feed him to the sharks!

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Watership Down:

Oh man...the sensation of goose pimples was invented in honour of this adaptation.

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on film...Hollywood

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The Game:

The Game offers the viewer a ride into the unknown...making you feel as if you're inside the game itself. I like the ending as it is unusually and unexpectedly positive, if a mite unbelievable.

Big shout out to Deborah Unger...one of the best female support roles I have seen.

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The Ninth Gate:

The Devil rides (as in fucks) Johnny Depp's book-dealer character. Before that we're treat to an intriguing tale that builds and builds.

We never really know what's going on but the film is well executed (thanks to Polanski and the ever-good Depp).

Best watched with a bottle of Whiskey to-hand.

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Pulp Fiction:

Every single moment is brilliant! It's just so bloody watchable. My favourite scene remains the boxer seeking out his weapon-of-choice before he saves Marcellus from further rapeage...that got a laugh and a cheer from me!

Has simply all the colours in the world in one film, bar the serious ones.

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Reservoir Dogs:

Bloody. This film is just very bloody. Bloody effective tho'.

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Scarface:

Infect me with your performance, Al!

Really one of the most engrossing acting performances I've ever seen. The ending we all know about but also the look on Montana's face as he realises his mate has been shagging his sister, then the look on his face again as his naked sister accuses him of incestual thinking...it's just brilliantly and powerfully engaging stuff.

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Starsky & Hutch:

The biggest laugh was the scene where Ben Stiller was high on, I think, cocaine and listened with increasing admiration and awe and love to Owen Wilson's sweet little guitar song...once the birds started chirping along my ribs were beginning to ache.

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Lara Croft: Tomb Raider:

Fairly faithful...I watched this as a long-time Tomb Raider game fan and was chuffed at its relative faithfulness to the game but it didn't offer anything more and Jolie's pussy-weak english accent was a bit off-putting. Strange to have the blond brit bond Daniel Craig playing an american too.

In short a dumb action movie, only worth watching for dumb action movie fans, Angelina gawkers or Tomb Raider players.

P.S. - play Tomb Raider: Legend to witness how Lara should ideally sound (Keeley Hawes, I think)...the dialogue and story are better too.

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on film...Star Trek

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture:

This is hypnotic epic Star Trek. The problem with it is is that it cannot match the classier TV episodes for story-telling.

Where it fails on memorability and impact it makes up for in dreaminess and intoxication.

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Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan:

I felt the welling of moistness...I mean, I nearly wept. I'm not sure how the Spock death scene was for non-Star Trek fans but for me I was so bloody moved and declared it the greatest piece of acting (from both Nimoy and Shatner) ever!

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Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country

The best trekkie film: it rewards repeat watches due to its multi-layered story and infective acting. Not grand or spectacular, just great Star Trek.

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on film...Star Wars (I to VI)

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Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope:

Yes, I have seen this film a thousand times...to the point where I know every tiny beep, bumped-head, scream and word.

It is timeless magic.

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Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back:

As a child obsessively repeat-watching the trilogy (probably from 1983 - 1988) this was always my least favourite. As an adult (of sorts) I agree with most opinion, this is the best.

The Vader/Luke fight is one of the greatest movie scenes ever. Han Solo is on such top form that his quips make you laugh even if you've heard them a thousand times.

Bring down the ATAT's!

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Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi:

The last third is absolutely amazing action and drama: spectacular space battles, Luke's almost endless pain at the Emperor's sizzling hands, Vader's goose-pimpling repentance...the first scenes with Jabba et al are also brilliant. The bike-race scenes, energetic and rush-laden. Luke's emergence as a serious and strong Master Jedi...convincing.

Ewoks? Marketing ploy.

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Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace:

Just not Star Wars...this film is actually alright once you watch it again after all the hype has died down.

But...

- Darth Maul has no personality (I still can't remember how he talks...does he talk?)
- The boy is...boring
- Jar Jar Fuck Off
- Po-faced seriousness with the main characters
- Princess what's-her-boat no match for her mother's charms

Look at the originals, even Skywalker had more personality than anyone here...Palpatine aside, of course. His character is the only engager in the field.

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Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones:

Lots of computer action graphics...Yoda made us all laugh and clap in the cinemas with his skills but watching them again it just seems a bit silly. The worst thing: Anakin is even more annoying as a stroppy teenager than a boring small boy.


Sigh...the fans should have made the new trilogy and I should have played Anakin.

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Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith:

The best of the rest. The Vader cry of "NOOOOO!" is a joke but its deadly impact is less telling as the new trilogy on the whole has been a joke.

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Reasons for having this...

I thought it might be a good idea to have all my stuff (including thoughts) all in one place.


- A sort of continuation, a spin-off, an amalgamation of my input and output to the following excellent sites I regularly use:

dpreview.com, mixupload.com, guardian.co.uk, dslr-forum.de, spiegel.de, evertonfc.com, facebook.com, myspace.com, proz.com, youtube.com, google.com, gmail.google.com, wikipedia.org, triplag.com, flickr.com, dict.leo.org, ebay.de, harmony-central.com and more.


- a place for me to write idle musings or idle other things.

- a place to store links to photos or music or whatever else I might get up to.

- perchance group discussions might take place here.


Let's see. Here's the betting for time of the next post:


4/5 - within 24 hours
7/4 - to end 04 Sept.
11/4 - to end 08 Sept.
10/1 - to end Sept.
33/1 - to end 2008
100/1 - beyond 2008 or delete account


Now if I was a betting man, which I was, I'd take the tens on end Sept...no each-way available but past form is a better marker than ability says this observer.